I don’t bite… Quick Update

This is long overdue – sorry, it’s taken a while but a few thing going on and wanting a little time to consider it became a longer time!  Anyway, here is the outcome as it stands for those wondering what happened in the end.

I spoke with the Head of Security (as I had mentioned) and he was a very pleasant man who assured me regarding the training of the Security staff and there being above average numbers in the premises in question.  All of this I had no reason to question and as mentioned previously, he was very respectful, pleasant and professional.  He offered to meet me and show me the documentation in regards to their training etc. however, I decided that I did not wish to take up any more of this gentleman’s time.  He was very prompt in his response to me and could not have been more helpful.  I still had not received any contact from The Palace themselves.

After posting my blog entry  “I don’t bite, you know… unless it’s called for.”  I forwarded a copy to the premises via email and then received a call and voice mail asking me to call back.  I did so and got speaking to the General Manager who informed me that he had tried to call me before but there was no answer but didn’t like leaving voice messages.  Anyway, he started with what I thought was an apology about what had happened that night however, it turned into an apology that he still had to listen to a problem that, as far as he was concerned, was sorted on the night.  He stated that both himself and the Assistant Manager are ‘hands-on’ and are always available to ensure things run smoothly in the premises.  He was there that night and remembered the group in question and was involved with dealing with them.  I said to him that I didn’t know what the issue was that necessitated Security being involved on a large scale however I was surprised that they were allowed to stay – he stated that they always try to talk things down and I can respect that.  We talked and went through the details of the night and he mentioned being able to check the CCTV cameras in a manner that quite frankly seemed to throw doubt on whether what I was saying actually happened or not.  I again referred to the bar staff asking if we were ok on a number of occasions, I referred to approaching a member of security and asking for help which never transpired and I ended with a plea to indeed examine the CCTV cameras and observe exactly what I had just told him.  He then said that he couldn’t take my word for it, he would have to talk to the Security Staff.

At this point, I felt completely disregarded as a customer who had a negative experience, as a woman who was touched without consent in this premises under this persons watch,  as a woman telling the truth but couldn’t be accepted as such.

In short, there is no resolution to this incident because like so many other incidents in so many other circumstances, this was brushed aside with a closing joking comment of “Sure you’ll buy me a drink the next time you’re in, won’t ya… that is, if ya don’t boycott the place!”

Buy your own bloody drink.

Helena

 

“I don’t bite, you know… unless it’s called for.”

Audrey Hepburn to Cary Grant, Charade (1963)
Well…this is one occasion where I must bare my teeth!! It was Saturday night – my friend Carmel and I hadn’t been out together since before Christmas as we both had a lot of stuff going on.  It was a toss up between heading into Dublin or for a change, going for a drink in Navan which is a little closer to me and it would work out considerably more budget friendly.  We opted for that and I cooked a yummy coconut, mango and chicken curry for dinner (even if I do say so myself 🙂 recipe to follow at another time).  Anyhow, the time we headed out it was around 9.40pm and we opted for a popular spot which has a Piano bar that stays open late.
When we got in there, it wasn’t too busy so we were able to get two seats at the bar by one of the narrow stain glass window partition that sections off the long bar.  We sat facing the bar, slightly toward each other, chatting and laughing our asses off as we sipped our drinks.  It started out as a really enjoyable night.  We didn’t make it to the end of our first drink before a large group of men (a stag from Kilkenny of about 15 altogether), pretty well seasoned, descended upon us.  I do not use that phrase lightly, they literally ‘descended’ upon us.  We were suddenly squashed against the bar in our chairs – It was like we were the centre of gravity and they couldn’t physically move away.  Now, don’t misunderstand me – when I say this I don’t mean it in a narcissistic way.  I actually mean it in a claustrophobic, freak us out way… in the ultimate ‘Get off me Man!!!’ way.
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It started out as a bit of banter and a bit of chat and you know what…that’s grand!  Who doesn’t like good auld joke and a laugh when you’re out for the night?  Then there was a hand on the shoulder…then this progressed to an arm around the shoulders….with the hand reaching down curiously close to my breast.  (Yes…they’re great boobs but they’re mine…no access to the uninvited – thank you!)  There were hands anonymously running through my hair and my friends too.  With each shrug off, the arms and hands returned with a vengeance.  On both of us.  I started out politely and clearly stated “Now Lads, you have to move back, stand away from us and put your hands in your pockets – that’s enough.  No more” This initially got two brothers to back off slightly (as in 6 inches or so).  They moved to one side and in sidled a few more.  This continued and escalated to hands moving down to grab our arses and bodies literally pushed up right against us (and no – it wasn’t that full in the place).  Getting up to go to the toilet was like taking your life in your hands – I actually had to use my chair to push my way through the men and make my way out.  My friend stood up, turned around and told them in no uncertain terms, to take their hands off her, not to touch her again, to get back from her and to leave her alone (with a few necessary F**ks thrown in for effect).  This was necessary twice within 10 minutes when the behaviour just kept repeating itself and then I had to follow that with a similar repeat warning of my own.  At this point, there were a number of Security talking to some of the men and things got very intense.  I’ll be honest, I was hoping they were all going to be chucked out.  I don’t know the reason that Security were involved and after a few minutes, they all seemed to relax.  Some of the Security moved away however, one of the men seemed to move to strike a Security man and some of the men were escorted outside.
untitled (5)I don’t lose my cool very often – I’m very much a ‘catch more flies with honey’ type woman however, I was fecking furious by this point because the other men remaining started again.  I got up out of my seat, walked to the closest Security Man and explained how we had been subjected to completely inappropriate touching by these men throughout the night and despite being asked numerous times to stop – they wouldn’t.  I asked him if they could please do something about it.  He said he would talk to the men straight away.  In that time, my friend also spoke to one of the bar staff who asked if she was ok – my friend replied that she was not and she said how she found the actions of the men to be completely out of order.  The bar tender said she would speak to the Security straight away – which she seemed to do, the same guy I spoke with – he was back at his post a couple of moments later however, not having spoken to the men, despite both our requests.  From that moment onward, the Security Man watched us with a hawk eye’s which, as you can imagine, was a little uncomfortable and then down the bar, the remainder of the group stood staring up at us until the end of their night.

Can anyone tell me when it was decided that if you talk to someone in a pub or club, that it entitles you to touch them in any manner whatsoever?  Or indeed, you don’t need to talk to them at all.  At another point in the night, I watched as a different man altogether came to the bar and slipped his arm right around Carmel’s waist – she simply removed it – to which he immediately apologised and said ‘Oh Sorry, I’m just going to the bar’.  WTF??  I, personally, would never approach a bar to get a drink and slip my arm around a woman or a man under that pretext.  Is there a preconceived notion of ownership over women?  What does it take for No to mean NO?  Is it actually too much to ask for the simple concept of personal space to be acknowledged, respected and maintained?  I know that alcohol was involved in the circumstances on Saturday and as an element, is not usually conducive to positive experiences in such circumstances.  But I have to also point out that alcohol does not cause men to think or act like brainless, misogynistic assholes – those have to be characteristics already intrinsic to the person in the first place.  Out of that whole group of men, there was one man who sincerely apologised for the behaviour of some of the others.  1 in 15 with a conscience appears to be a pretty sad and scary statistic.  According to the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre,  sexual assault occurs where a person is subjected to a sexual act (sexual touching or penetration) without his or her consent.Whether or not physical force is used, sexual assault is an act of violence.  It is a profound physical and personal violation of the individual.  Research shows that the primary motivation in sexual assault is the meeting of the perpetrator’s non-sexual needs for power and domination and their expression of anger, rather than their sexual gratification.

The other issue is the establishment where this occurred and their responsibility to their customers.  We were in a very visible position at the bar and we were asked if we were ok by the bar staff so that says to me that they were aware that we were in a compromised and uncomfortable position.  Yet no action was taken to offer us any assistance and despite our request for help – nothing was done.  We were watched by a Security Man for the last part of our evening but I’ll be honest, that was just plain uncomfortable.  And when it came to leaving, I was more uncomfortable because I didn’t want to meet any of them outside.  I’m no wallflower, I’m well able to look after myself but I’m no idiot either.  Two women versus a large group of alcohol fuelled men with ever so slightly bruised egos does not compute.  We headed out onto the street to hail a taxi ourselves with no more security on the lookout.
I contacted the bar in the days that followed by email describing exactly what had happened and how both my friend and I were treated and made to feel as a result of this.  Within 24 hours, I received a call from the Director of the Security firm that provides the staff for the venue.  He was a very professional man who also deals with the training for the organisation.  He sincerely apologised the for the experience we had on the night and we are due to meet in the coming days to have a chat about the relative training that is provided to his staff.  I will update you on that progress and to be honest, if my gut feeling is correct and given his reaction to the events of that night – this is an issue that he takes very seriously both on a professional and personal level.
What I am disappointed with, however, is that I have not received any contact from the venue themselves.  Not even an acknowledgement to my email.  This is not only bad form and let’s face it, unprofessional – it speaks volumes about this establishments attitude to a very serious and pertinent issue that is ongoing for women.
Hopefully, I’ll update you with more soon.
In the meantime, this is my outfit for next weekend! 😀
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Helena xxx

This is my workspace… That is your workspace…

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Just to clarify, the following experience happened early in my working career (and I started working at 14 years old!) many, many moons ago.

What would you do if …

…you were in work one day, busy as usual, then break comes and you decide to pop out to the shop. You walk out to the lift, step in and just before the doors close, your supervisor pops in. It’s just the two of you but at that moment you think nothing of it. The doors slide closed and before you could say ‘how’s it goin?’ – He moves right up against you, pushing you back against the back of the lift and tries to kiss you. It’s only a matter of seconds but it feels like forever as you raise your hands to his chest to push him off you, the lift doors ping, he smirks, moves away and is gone.

What would you do?

Let me clarify a couple of points… I was married, he was married, we were working in a small department of close knit people in a great company. There had been absolutely zero expression of interest in any way whatsoever on my part and if there was any on his, I never picked up on it. What did I do? Nothing. Except walk out of the lift, out of the building, around the corner and I retched over and over again. I was not very confident at that point in my life and I felt completely compromised. Because the team as a whole was so inter-reliant, I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone else about it so I stayed quiet. I spent a significant amount of energy ensuring that I avoided eye contact with him, where possible that I did not spend time in his company alone. However, he was my next in line Supervisor so he flexed that muscle and used that to manipulate time for a ‘meeting’. He sat beside me, so close his right thigh was up against my left thigh and his arm was constantly rubbing off mine. I just kept shifting my chair and he in turn did the same. He brought no paperwork to the meeting and when I asked the reason for the meeting, he just smiled and said that he wanted to catch up and have a chat. I gave him a run down on my work and where things stood in my brief but he just brushed it off and asked how I was and how were things at home. He asked was there anything he could help me with and he started rubbing my arm with his hand. I told him no, there was nothing he could help me with and I moved away again. He then started to talk about my attitude to my work and that my enthusiasm could do with improving. He said he wouldn’t like to see it affecting my Annual Review. I was speechless. He told me to think about it and he left the room.

And still I told no-one. I felt it would be considered my fault. I did not want to disrupt the status quo of the team. For some inexplicable reason, in hindsight, I didn’t know if I would be believed! I was intimidated by his qualifications, his manner, his personality and his veiled threats. In my position, my compromised anxiety filled terrified position, I could not see past his influence. That’s the thing with fear – it clouds your vision until you can’t make out the shadows from reality. I started to miss days in work more and I withdrew from my other work colleagues. Comments like ‘You were laughing too loud at lunchtime in the Canteen – keep it down’ and ‘Wear that top again tomorrow, when you lean forward I can see your breasts’ compounded my feelings of inadequacy. Then, out of the blue, he announced he was leaving. I didn’t actually believe it until the day he walked out the door. Needless to say, that’s one leaving drinks I did not attend.

So What would you do? Not what I did, I hope. Now my reactions would be completely different from the very first moment.

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But if, like me, you have the misfortune to cross paths with a person of this ilk and you’re not sure what to do – these are just a few pointers I wish I had realised/known back then:

  1. No-one in the World is better than YOU.
  2. Don’t think about everyone else and how they’ll react or be effected. Think about YOU and how you are reacting and how it is effecting YOU.
  3. Turn away…Walk away…Call for help…Walk straight to a Managers Office and tell them…Walk straight to HR and tell them. It’s easier to act immediately rather than later, when your unreasonable arguments seep in to your brain.
  4. Yes, unfortunately this can happen, even in 2016 and Yes – it could happen to you. Don’t doubt yourself. TALK to someone…anyone to start with. Then talk to someone in HR in confidence.
  5. Read the Dignity in the Workplace Policy issued through the HSE Dignity at Work Policy so that you are informed and aware of your rights.
  6. Every employer should have a policy & procedures to prevent and deal with harassment at work and it should clearly set out what is unacceptable behaviour at work. All employees must be made aware of the grievance or complaints procedure in place. The Code of Practice on Sexual Harassment and Harassment at Work gives practical guidance to employers and employees to put procedures in place to deal with sexual harassment and harassment at work.
  7. Remember – no matter what a persons job is; whether it’s CEO or Teacher or Director or Doctor – that is only a role they hold. First and foremost – they are just a person. Nothing more…Nothing less. Do not be intimidated by a person…remember No.1
  8. Someone else’s words only hold the power that we are willing to give them. Again…remember No.1

I hope this might help you out – we are all entitled to Dignity at Work and in life.

Chat soon… Helena x