I don’t know about you but I LOVE to kiss… a good auld snog… a smooch… a hot and heavy session to get the engine purring so to speak! At this point, I’ve honed my skills and after many hours slobbering my reflection in the mirror – I’m an expert!! 😀 Seriously though, I’ve kissed select varieties of people and suffice to say – I think I may have encountered someone from every possible style! From the Jaw-breaker to the Sponge, from Woody Wood Pecker to Hoover-face… been there – locked lips with them! And yes… there were lots of them… and yes… I had a whole lot of fun over the years in my kissing escapades… all in the name of adventure and fun! And for the most part, it was so much damn FUN!!! There were times though, when a little guidance would have gone a LONG, LONG, LONG way… for both me and my friends!
Hence, this version of the Divine Nine:
1. Never… and I mean NEVER approach your partner in this fashion.
You may find as you get closer… closing your eyes… anticipating connection that you end up just falling on your face, as they have seen what’s coming and done a runner!!!
2. Drooling is cute on a baby – Drooling is NOT cute on an adult.
Kissing someone with drippy, drooly, soppy lips is actually quite gross and can be a little bit like kissing a piece of liver! (I stress that I do NOT know this from experience – I admit to speculation here; albeit educated conjecture!) Would you like that sensation on your lips?? I think not – don’t inflict it on others…not a good start!!!
3. Kissing is about intimacy and connection – it is NOT CPR!
Remember… the person that you are about to connect with in a very intimate way is awake and breathing. And if they are not – this list isn’t for you! You need to seek professional help elsewhere… GO!!! A kiss is when lips softly touch… not when your mouth completely encompasses theirs along with their nose and you become their sole supply of oxygen!!!
4. Keep a stash of mints/citrus on your person in anticipation of THE MOMENT!
Think about it… the last thing YOU would want is to have to suck face with someone who smells (and subsequently may taste) like a cat’s arse!! So be considerate and ensure that you’re not the one inflicting that on any other poor being! No-one deserves that… For Gawd’s Sake!!! Will someone please think of the KISSES!!??
5. French Kissing doesn’t only happen in the USA…lemme tell ya Debbie Harry!!
When it comes to tongue… the strict rule you must remember – LESS IS MORE!!
Start out tentatively… pretend your tongue is a little mouse and it’s exploring an unknown cave knowing there’s a mousetrap in there somewhere!!! Stay around the entrance…it’s safe there!! No-one’s Potholing here and remember going deep leaves you open to catching Leptospirosis!!! (when caving that is … not Kissing!) Going too deep while kissing can lead to a number of possible outcomes: gagging (which we all know is not the desired effect here!), backing away slowly (again, not a desired effect), knocking someone’s filling out (could be costly) or straight up a big turn off! So reign that big boy in & play it safe!
6. The Ears – Do I or Don’t I???
This is Marmite … either you love it or hate it! It’s a really personal preference and I would absolutely advise against throwing caution to the wind and just going for it without checking with the owner of said ears before your dive in! It can be a huge turn off…like shivers down the spine, knee-jerk-kick-in-the-ass-slap-in-the-face reaction!!
7. The Neck…and other erogenous zones
And for those not familiar with the phrase – I’m not talking about a time zone half way round the world!! The neck is a world of wonder for those who have sexy sensitive skin there – if this is the case with you and your partner; kiss, lick, suck, nuzzle, graze, trail, caress and nibble your way to ecstasy. They’ll be breathless and putty in your hands. On the other hand, if they have tickly sensitive skin there, you’ll get head butted from various angles and may even need medical intervention so best to proceed cautiously!
P.S. On the subject of Sucking necks – A hickey from Kenickie is all well and good for Rizzo (LOVE her!) but let’s face it… toothpaste really doesn’t cover them up!! Just DON’T GO THERE!!! or at the very least… do it where you don’t have to cover it up!
8. Biting – lips…skin…people in general!
We’ve all fancied someone so much that we’ve literally wanted to take a bite out of them Right?… like Chomp! They are so delicious! You know what I mean!?? … Don’t you?? OH…OK… well, of course – you should never act on that desire… that would be… ahem… cannibalism! But nibbling and using your teeth to graze sensitive skin can be very erotic and sensual. Just be aware that some are more sensitive than others and some have a lower pain threshold too! So don’t just go right in there and snap your jaws onto a juicy bottom lip … or clamp your knashers on your partners poor unsuspecting nipple!! Start gentle and feel your way to their limitations!
And finally 9. Who you’re kissing
The truth of the matter is that no-one else really gives a shit who you are kissing so just make sure that whoever it is deserves your lips.
Hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I did writing them!