Take me to the Island…

….because it’s so damn beautiful here.  I spent a week on Inis Oirr, the smallest of the 20160703_135314 Aran Islands off the coast of Galway in the West of Ireland at the beginning of July.  Let me tell you, without doubt, it is one of the most wonderful places on this earth.  If you haven’t been – you must visit.  If you have been – then you know exactly what I’m talking about.  I was there with my two boys, Jack and Daniel (and before you ask, it wasn’t a deliberate decision to name them after my favourite bourbon…Cross my heart!! 😉 ) and we were sharing a house with a friend and her daughter.

So I go to Inis Oirr really because of my Spiritual Guru – my dearest friend Paula; who moved Facebook-20160705-123950 (2)here from Dublin to marry an Islander Paidraic.  What a change in life?  Yes indeed but she loves it!!  They have three beautiful children and she absolutely loves living on the Island.  Paula is like my Earth Mama… she bakes beautiful cakes and breads, she cooks sensational food and she is a Reiki Practitioner. She also writes from her soul (Blog @donkeyshindlegs check her out or you’re seriously missing out).  Don’t get me wrong – she gets frustrated and pissed off like any of the rest of us.  And I know there are times when having three kids and a very Quiet Man must be exhausting and exasperating but she has found her Zen.  She is the most wonderful, caring and patient Woman though (I know you’re going to read this Paula so just a reminder…you’re the whole package!!) and…she is my wonderful, sexy, beautiful BFITWWU!

20160703_135541The Island itself is a thing to behold…rugged beauty hewn from rock and etched in luscious greens and smoked silver greys.  The island is around 3km x 3km with rolling hills (that sometimes feel like Croagh Patrick but they are so far from it, in truth!!) and really, it’s easily covered by foot or by bike (a word of caution if cycling however, the hills, though small are steep and can be a recipe for disaster for children on bikes even with helmets – I’ve witnessed numerous visits from the Air Ambulance helicopter!).  Taking a stroll around to the lighthouse or out to the shipwreck of the Plassy (seen on the intro to the wonderful Father Ted) lets you see Inis Oirr in all it’s diversity come alive.  The uniquely built walls hugging the narrow roads leading past Aras Eanna – the Arts Centre on the Island (another must see) takes you through the Island around small high walled fields with perhaps one or two cattle with calves within.  And the sunsets… Sweet Mother of Divine!!  They are to die for!  The colours are exceptional and on a clear day, I really mean it, you can can see forever across the golden lit sea.

There are a number of places to eat on Inis Oirr too… all of them of great quality and ooohhh so tasty!  My favourite has to be ‘Teach an Tae’ – a cafe run by the loveliest woman Alissa and her husband Michael. I cannot visit the Island without at least one visit (per day) to this delectable establishment.  The lunches are delicious and the cakes are without comparison…OH MY SWEET HEAVEN!!! Everything I have tasted has been scrumptious though one of my front runners has to be the Carrot Cake…soft, sweet, spiced, luscious

 

and topped with dreamy, creamy frosting.  I wonder do they do postal orders??? lol  While there with Jack and Daniel, I had the Island Tart – a savoury tart of baby potatoes, herbs, eggs and feta or goats cheese – YUM!  Jack had the Fish of the day – fresh caught Pollock and Daniel had Potato and Leek soup – everything freshly made on the premises.  I had Lemon Poppy Seed cake with vanilla ice cream – Lush!  The boys had brownies and I didn’t even get a chance to get a photo!! lol  The Staff are soooooooo lovely too… I just can’t say enough nice things about this place… it’s a must if you’re on Inis Oirr.  Rory’s is gorgeous too and the Hotel and Tigh Ned’s do lovely food… to be honest – I haven’t had a bad meal anywhere!

We visited Aran Seaweed Baths & Spa and were looked after by the wonderful Annette and it was so wonderful.  She is the most attentive, lovely and, I might add, patient lady having to deal with three children in one go!!  We all had a seaweed bath and it was to die for!!  I would highly recommend it for de-stressing and your skin  is left so soft… I want to go again!  If you want some pampering then Annette is the answer!

 

Finally, there is the secret beach… which for obvious reasons I can’t tell you where it is… but let’s face it … the Island is 3km x 3km so you wouldn’t have a hard time finding it! lol It’s a place of zoning out and disconnection and it’s perfect.  And Spike – Paula’s dog – well… he just loves it there… he’ll spend a whole day at the beach, eating rocks (no… he has no teeth left!), chasing waves and then he’ll flake on the couch for 24 hours!!! He’s got the right idea!!

 

Don’t wait… visit Inis Oirr… you won’t regret it!

 

 

 

The Divine Nine of…Kissing xxx

I don’t know about you but I LOVE to kiss… a good auld snog… a  smooch… a hot and heavy session to get the engine purring so to speak!  At this point, I’ve honed my skills and after many hours slobbering my reflection in the mirror – I’m an expert!! 😀 Seriously though, I’ve  kissed select varieties of people and suffice to say – I think I may have  encountered someone from every possible style!  From the Jaw-breaker to the Sponge, from Woody Wood Pecker to Hoover-face… been there – locked lips with them!  And yes… there were lots of them… and yes… I had a whole lot of fun over the years in my kissing escapades… all in the name of adventure and fun!  And for the most part, it was so much damn FUN!!! There were times though, when a little guidance would have gone a LONG,  LONG, LONG way… for both me and my friends!

Hence, this version of the Divine Nine:

 1.  Never… and I mean NEVER approach your partner in this fashion.imagesML3DE4JZ

You may find as you get closer… closing your eyes…  anticipating connection that you end up just  falling on your face, as they have seen what’s coming and done a runner!!!

 2.  Drooling is cute on a baby – Drooling is NOT cute on an adult.
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Kissing someone with drippy, drooly, soppy lips is actually quite gross and  can be a little bit like kissing a piece of liver! (I stress that I do NOT  know this from experience – I admit to speculation here; albeit educated conjecture!)  Would you like that sensation on your lips??  I think not –  don’t inflict it on others…not a good start!!!

3.  Kissing is about intimacy and connection – it is NOT CPR!
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Remember… the person that you are about to connect with in a very intimate way is awake and breathing.  And if they are not – this list isn’t for you!  You need to seek professional help elsewhere… GO!!!  A kiss is when lips softly touch… not when your mouth completely encompasses theirs along with their nose and you become their sole supply of oxygen!!!

4.  Keep a stash of mints/citrus on your person in anticipation of THE MOMENT!untitled (18)

Think about it… the last thing YOU would want is to have to suck face with someone who smells (and subsequently may taste) like a cat’s arse!!  So be considerate and ensure that you’re not the one inflicting that on any other poor being!  No-one deserves that… For Gawd’s Sake!!! Will someone please think of the KISSES!!??

 

 

5.  French Kissing doesn’t only happen in the USA…lemme tell ya Debbie Harry!!

When it comes to tongue… the strict rule you must images03LZU0REremember – LESS IS MORE!!

Start out tentatively… pretend your tongue is a little mouse and it’s exploring an unknown cave knowing there’s a mousetrap in there somewhere!!!  Stay around the entrance…it’s safe there!!  No-one’s Potholing here and remember going deep leaves you open to catching Leptospirosis!!! (when caving that is … not Kissing!)  Going too deep while kissing can lead to a number of  possible outcomes: gagging (which we all know is not the desired effect here!), backing away slowly (again, not a desired effect), knocking someone’s filling out (could be costly) or straight up a big turn off!  So reign that big boy in & play it safe!

6.  The Ears – Do I or Don’t I???

tangled tongue earThis is Marmite … either you love it or hate it!  It’s a really personal preference and I would absolutely advise against throwing caution to the wind and just going for it without checking with the owner of said ears before your dive in!  It can be a huge turn off…like shivers down the spine, knee-jerk-kick-in-the-ass-slap-in-the-face reaction!!

 

7.  The Neck…and other erogenous zonesneck kissing

And for those not familiar with the phrase – I’m not talking about a time zone half way round the world!!  The neck is a world of wonder for those who have sexy sensitive skin there – if this is the case with you and your partner; kiss, lick, suck, nuzzle, graze, trail, caress and nibble your way to ecstasy.  They’ll be breathless and putty in your hands.  On the other hand, if they have tickly sensitive skin there, you’ll get head butted from various love biteangles and may even need medical intervention so best to proceed cautiously!

P.S.  On the subject of Sucking necks – A hickey from Kenickie is all well and good for Rizzo (LOVE her!) but let’s face it… toothpaste really doesn’t cover them up!!  Just DON’T GO THERE!!!  or at the very least… do it where you don’t have to cover it up!

 

8.  Biting – lips…skin…people in general!

We’ve all fancied someone so much that we’ve literally wanted to take a bite out of Lip bitingthem Right?… like Chomp! They are so delicious!  You know what I mean!?? … Don’t you?? OH…OK… well, of course – you should never act on that desire… that would be… ahem… cannibalism!  But nibbling and using your teeth to graze sensitive skin can be very erotic and sensual.   Just be aware that some are more sensitive than others and some have a lower pain threshold too!  So don’t just go right in there and snap your jaws onto a juicy bottom lip … or clamp your knashers on your partners poor unsuspecting nipple!!  Start gentle and feel your way to their limitations!

 

And finally 9.  Who you’re kissing

The truth of the matter is that no-one else really gives a shit who you are kissing so just make sure that whoever it is deserves your lips.

 

Hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I did writing them!

Helena x

 

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